a day of self loathing

Pity party for one. Pity. Party of one. We can seat you now.

I'm having a rough morning. I had a bad dream last night. It dredged up some old memories that I wish would just go away. So, my mind is forcing me to relive some of the horrible things I have done. I really can't and won't say what is troubling me other than, I have been a bad, bad, selfish person in the past. Perhaps it would be better to call this a day of self loathing.

Possibly, we have to loath the things we have done to keep from repeating ourselves. I don't know. I can only hope. Right now I'm trying to remember the good I've done, but it seems to escape me. I can only think of the pain I've caused. It makes me wonder "Do I deserve the life I have now?" Ugh.

I'm not suicidal or going to curl up in a ball and cry all day. I've got too much to do today. I have a home and a family to take care of. That's one good thing I've done. Or, been doing. Trying to raise two great girls to NOT be me.

It would be very nice if I could borrow that little pen thing the guys had in "Men in Black" and just erase the bad, bad me from my memory. This me is pretty good, or tries to be. There's a me from before, that if I saw her today, I'd punch her in the face.

Oh, should have skipped this today. DEFINITELY NOT POSITIVE! But what do you want, rainbows, butterflies and lollipops? Maybe later.